sometimes i dont even get why i write in this thing anyways...its not like anyone reads it

so i feel like my life is actually comming together..i have found my true friends..the ones i know will never betray me an i can trust with all my heart..an i have fun now im only depressed at times..school is ok i mean i dont talk to anyone really but i mean i get through the day without feeling totally alone..i only miss him at certain times an i mean i want a bf but its not killing me that i dont have one..it would be nice but i want to wait until that butterfly feeling happens..then ill know i have to go for it..but no one has given me that feeling except for him so far

i love my puppy..like if ive had a really bad day or im feeling really sad or that no one loves me or im all alone ill come to him an he'll be sooooo excited an happy to see me an it makes me so much happier.. haha wow im a loozer

i had a great night tonight with ali an darrell..they make me laugh so much..so i think that me an darrell would be very compatible together well i mean we are but i think we'd be good togheter if we ever went out..like everyone tells me that..but like when i think of darrell an boyfriend at the same times i get grossed out..haha not that hes bad or anything just that i could never see myself with him..u know how u just have friends like that..yea thats like me an him..but i love him just the same

i wish i could have alec's xanga..or i mean like write like him..he always writes about such good stuff an words it so good an makes you seriously sit down an think..i love reading his an he has such good songs..im sitting here listening to his right now..it makes me sad but happy at the same time

yeaa..i wish i could know what ur thinking...

so this weekend kt an i took the greyhound bus an went to fredrick which is like an hr away where scotts dad an scott picked us up at like 7 in the morning..oh yes me an kt had to get up at 4 in order to be at the bus station by 5:30 an then we went an dropped scott off at his game practice thing an then went back to his house where his dad was so cute to show us everything an his super hott older brother an his cute an shyt older brother an then we like sat in his living room it was really wierd..then we went to his game which was so boring then we went to lunch an um chilled at his house an watched made an talkd to the family an then scott an his brother mike made us go to the gym which was like an hr away becuz they live in no where town an um it was boring but i lied on the floor reading a magazine..then we went back to his house where his sooo hysterically funny uncle came over who is 60 an is hilarious an um scotts dad hit on me the whole time we were there i was really sketched out but he was cool..then something else happened an then we got back on the bus an went home so our day was like from 5 to 12 never again i was sooo tired but i had a lot of fun...

this weekend 3 ppl that i knew or knew of died in a car accident..rob- who is bff with one of my good friends an i had hung out with him before...michelle who was dating one of my good friends an then there is mary catherine who is in shock trauma an had to have both of her legs amputated is one of my good friends cousins..an so many ppl i know know them an its soo sad they were such good ppl..they were 3 out of the 6 teens that died this weekend in car accidents..SPEED KILLS and so does DRUNK DRIVING so dont do it please..you dont know how many ppl will miss u an love u

ehh things have been ok

school is long an hard an ive been doing good an bad in a lot of things so i dont even know

um i think im getting a crush on darrell..just becuz we go together very well we can talk for hrs on end an its not wierd like we're not afraid to tell each other the truth but he an kt hooked up an he likes kt but sometimes i think he has a crush on me..i dont know..i wish ppl would be upfront about that stuff..

um me an cristina arent really friends anymore..i mean we talk occasionaly but thats it..i mean i wish we could talk more but we both dont try and well she tries more that i do..we just have lost track an its hard when she lives so far away an we both have seperate lives an i love her to death an miss her but i just dont know what the future holds for us..

kat is not back yet..its still unknown when she willl..prob not for a long time which saddens me very much. i wish that i could talk to her..ive seen her mom a few times this summer..how can she do this send her kid away for so long..what does she expect kat to do for when she gets back an with school an everything..i miss her so much

saw jonathan today..it stang to see him an all i wanted was for our eyes to meet an him to realize what we had an what hes missing..he was dressed in a polo shirt today so not like him or how he is an i was turned off completly what is he doing..it was his b-day on the 16 an i texted him but he never responded..i smiled at him today at mass an i know he lookd at me alot but i just dont know..im over him but im so not..i need to find someone else that is higher an better than him..i just havent

some things just dont ever change..kt is mad at me becuz im pushing her to go with other guys becuz these are great guys that want her i mean yes she just got out of a 2 yr relationship with the biggest asshole ever an yes maybe im jealous of her becuz its only been what a few weeks an she already has 5 guys wanting her just like that an maybe im pushing her becuz i wish it was me in those situations i mean i know shes hurting and isnt ok an wishes she was still with rob but its not my fault that she acts so happy an pretends to be so happy an doesnt ever bring it up to me..i mean sometimes i do but then she changes the subject so i just pretend with her..i dont know what to do anymore..

everything happens for a reason but why dont i see it....

i hooked up-not sex- with some guy this weekend..wasnt worth it an i wish i could take it back but whatever things happen ..

im lonely......why cant anyone see that

so school has started an it sux an i hate my classes except for psycology i have a really cool teacher but um yea this is gonna be a really hard yr..everyone says ur junior yr is ur hardest..i just wish highschool would be done an over with i hate it

so im goin with kt on sat to spend the night in fredrick with this guy that she is talking to an we're goin to a party an theres supposidly these 2 guys that i could potentially hook up with so i mean im excited i just hope nothing happens to the extent that we get caught omg i dont even want to know what would happen im actually kinda scared cuz fredrick is an hr an 30 min away..but i need to start taking risks an this is one of them..so oh well an maybe ill get some an then ill be happy-dont mean to sound like a slut-lol mehhhh